They Say Nagging and Whining Work. Really?
by Rick Kirschner
A recent study seems to give aid and comfort to the whiners and nags of the world. The study didn’t cause much excitement, but you might feel a palpable depression sweeping through as a result. The data seems to indicate that grinding down the will to live in others actually works! Apparently, when defenses go down, you can’t put up a fight. In this way, the nag or whiner wins. Yippee!
Well, at least that’s how some have interpreted some recent research. When I read about this (in an article in The Australian) I was left with some nagging questions.
I can accept the idea that this bad behavior works in the short term. But at what cost? What are the long term consequences? When people use these approaches to get what they want, what happens to their relationships? What happens when you see one of these whiners and nags heading in your direction? And maybe more to the popint, what happens when you learn about the way these behaviors work, and learn how to counter it? Because you can counter it. I have thoroughly covered the strategic ways you can respond to crank turners in my books on difficult people and persuasive communication.
Sadly, the science driving the study gives us no such insights. Now, I don’t work in a lab, so I don’t have much in the way of science to back me up on what I confess to be mostly my opinion, tempered with real world experience derived from over two and a half decades of my own studies into human behavior.
Granted, these behaviors work. Just not for long. And that point is often the breaking point in relationships, and the backlash can be significant. Nags and Whiners become unwanted and unwelcome. They come across as negative, obnoxious and oblivious to their effect on others. And those who deal with these bad behaviors tend to go out of their way to stay out of the way, and then become dismissive of more productive behaviors when coming from a grievous source. So, in other words, the bad behavior works, and then it doesn’t. Just as people become exhausted dealing with these behaviors, these behaviors exhaust their effectiveness in very little time and produce the exact opposite response that what they’re intended to get.
If a person wants long term persuasive success, then building relationship almost always works better than tearing apart and beating others down. If a person wants the next interaction to be simpler than the last, more productive than then last, less work than the last, whining and nagging just don’t cut it.
I could go on, but I have no desire to be whiner or nag myself. I like people. I believe in their capacity to learn, grow and change for the better. And when I read about a study that could lead people to draw erroneous and potentially damaging conclusions, I am compelled to make the case clear for those with the desire to hear. Is the end near? No. It’s right here.
Dr. Rick Kirschner. This article may be reprinted without any changes, as long as the author biography and links remain intact. Dr. Kirschner is a bestselling author, speaker, trainer and coach, a faculty member with the Institute for Management Studies, and adjunct faculty at Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine. Client organizations include Heineken, Providence Health, NASA, Starbucks, Texas Instruments and Toyota. Appearances on CNBC, CBC, Fox, NPR; Interviews and reviews in Wired Magazine, Wall Street Journal and USA Today. Most recent work is the 8 CD audio series, book and workbook ‘INSIDER’S GUIDE TO THE ART OF PERSUASION,’ now available, along with a blog, newsletter and free podcast, at http://TheArtofChange.com . SPECIAL OFFER! For a limited time, you can listen to a $49 value audio program on Dealing With Difficult People absolutely free! How? Visit http://theartofchange.com/promo for details!
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